preschool was a no go

After much deliberation and prayer, we've decided to pull Presley out of preschool. I kinda feel like we are giving up but then again we gave it a month. And she still rips my heart out every time, begging me to not go or for her to go home with me. This morning she didn't even want to get into the car. It's hard when I already have to leave her 3 nights out of the week to go to work. (and it doesn't help when I see really sick kids at work and constantly think about that when I'm not with her!) Maybe she'll be the 10 year old who is still clingy, who knows. But right now, she's only 2. We still have time to do school later. We only really did 2 year old preschool for her to get some interaction with kids her age, because we don't have a playgroup or friends that we see on a regular basis. I know that Presley eventually does calm down and have fun for the day, but I'm still left reeling emotionally from the awful separation that occurs each day. And let's be real, preschool ain't cheap! So I was basically paying to have my heart ripped out! I know that's a little dramatic, but that's what it feels like! Sorry, I know that was a mess to read but it all just blurted out of me.

Anyway, on to funner stuff! We went to Atlanta this past weekend for a quick mini vacay so that's what the next post will be about.

a month later...

Sooooo.....I kinda blame my phone for me not having any interest in getting on my laptop to blog. It's easier to get on my mini computer that also makes phone calls! But I kinda blame my own issues too. I have 26 friends (for real, I counted recently) that are pregnant right now. That's a lot of girls to be bombarded with when you desperately want to have another baby. I feel like every day I get on Facebook or read a blog, someone is announcing their pregnancy. And to be brutally honest, it's bumming me out. :( My head knows I'm lucky to have gotten pregnant easily with Presley and we're blessed to have her and that she's enough kid for us if we can't have more. But my heart feels something different. sadness. I trust that when the time is right we'll have more kids, maybe even possibly adopt some day. But I'm human and I want what I want when I want it! crazy, I know.

Well, just wanted to let y'all know we haven't fallen off the face of the Earth and I'm going to try and be better about regularly blogging because I'm missing stuff that Presley's doing. And that's why I started this thing, to journal memories.

another "not really goodbye"!

So all of my friends are leaving me for Virginia! Waaaa! No, not really but another one of my good friends has moved to Virginia. What is it with that place? ;) I am really happy for her and her hubby. But I'm not going to lie, I'm super bummed for myself. Not that I see her every week but, losing the possibility of seeing her each week...stinks. Emily and I went to middle school and high school together. And she's honestly always been the sweetest person. She would do just about anything for anyone and she is as beautiful inside as she is out. She and I lost touch for a couple of years after we graduated. But when we did see each other again, it's like we never missed a beat. That's how great she is! =) Last Monday morning she came over and played with Presley. And then we went to lunch. Of course we had to take a picture together and I had to upload some of the other ones of us through the years. I wish I had a picture of us in middle school! I'm sure I do but we didn't have digital cameras in those days to upload anything!

Us at my bridal shower FIVE years ago!

At my baby shower TWO years ago!

Wow, we really like to be in the same pose, huh?! :)

And a Presley pic for good measure!

Thank you Emily for always being such a great friend to me! I know it's not "goodbye", but a "see ya soon". Good luck to you & Jason, miss you and love ya girl!

overwhelmed

Sorry that I've been a bad blogger lately. I feel like I have 50 million things piled on my plate right now. Some of them important, some not. I have this work thing looming over my head that I have to do on my time off. And we have a ton of stuff going on starting tomorrow until the beginning of May. And although I'm not in a spring cleaning mode, I am in a spring redecorating mode! Everywhere I look in this house I see stuff that needs to be done...floors, new paint, etc. I know that these are not on a time-line, but I'm just sick of having them on my to-do list. I mean, we've owned our house for 3 1/2 years already, we should be done decorating it! And then of course, there is the day to day laundry, cleaning, cooking. I feel very overwhelmed right now! I just need to make a massive to-do list and prioritize the important things and not worry about the rest. Sometimes easier said than done!

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

here I go....

I don't do resolutions. I just can't stick with them. So instead I'm hoping a picture will motivate me. Sure I have some other goals such as organizing the house, painting a few rooms, getting finances in order....blah, blah, blah. But I AM going to lose weight. I have put on some extra pounds over the last 2 years....living in California will do that to you! But pregnancy really did me in. I gained 30 pounds, which is the norm, but I haven't lost any of it. I thought breastfeeding would just melt the pounds off.....ha ha! Yeah right, not for me! Then I got back into the bad habit of eating lots of desserts and drinking empty calories. (sodas & tea, not alcohol just in case anyone was wondering!) In hindsight, I'm sure these things were comforting to me as I was trying to navigate the difficult waters of being a first-time mom. Yikes!

I'm not hoping to look like I did when I was 17 or even 21, because I am not 17 or even 21 anymore. I am 26 years old and I have birthed a human. I am incredibly proud of my body for that. I just wish I wasn't still carrying the evidence around! :) The only time I have ever lost weight in my life was for my wedding 4 1/2 years ago. So I am sticking to the plan that helped me look fabulous in my gown. I exercised, only ate one dessert a week, and only drank a coke or sweet tea once a week as well. whew! It's going to be hard no doubt. Especially quitting those yummies! I think the biggest thing for me is that I want to be healthy. And eating what I do and not exercising is NOT healthy. I want to be able to have the energy to run around with Presley. I'm sure that I probably will falter more than once, but as long as I get up and don't quit then I haven't failed. Right? At least that's what I'm telling myself! So, wish me luck!

Here is the picture that I am using for inspiration. This was 3 months before our wedding. Man, I looked good! ;)

and in other non-related news, Presley is feeling better! I think that it must have been allergies because the Claritin has definitely helped. =)

Thankful on Thursday

I don't have many friends, I never have. I am one of those kind of people that just have a few close friends. I might have a lot of acquaintances....you know the kind of people you just say hi to every once in a while on facebook or something. But not really a lot of best friends. Anyway, it didn't really use to bother me until Presley was born. I started freaking out wondering who I was going to bond with as a new mom and thinking Presley would never have any friends because we wouldn't meet friends as a couple (Presley and I) and we wouldn't be able to have any play dates, and on and on. I got anxious just thinking about it.

I found the Mommy & Me group when Presley was probably 2 or 3 weeks old. I didn't go until she was 6 or 7 weeks just out of fear of HOW to go. (Looking back I wish I had gone sooner and just got over my fear of how to talk to people and realized that Presley nor I had to look perfect and have the "in" accessories in order to go. Sorry, I'm rambling!) So, I met a couple of people with babies around Presley's age and it has taken me a year to venture outside of just talking about going and doing things with them, to actually doing them! We had lunch with Amanda a few times while Piper and Presley were still so little that we just left them sleeping in their carseats! But other than that, we haven't done anything. That's were my self-pitying comes in. I get to thinking that I'm the only one who doesn't have any friends, and blah, blah, blah. Yucky mood ensues.

~Saturday, two weeks ago, we went to a splash pad in Pensacola with Sarah & John Parker and then went and ate cupcakes. Then the following Friday we went to Amanda & Piper's house to eat lunch, swim and play. (It was our first time in someone's home and Presley did so great. I pictured her swinging off their fans and biting Piper or something!) And today we had Kimberly & Anna over for breakfast and to play! I've enjoyed these last few weeks with all of these mamas so much. Motherhood is SO bonding. No one else understands how you feel other than other mamas. I never thought I could be so connected to someone through discussing tantrums, naps (or lack of) and poop!

So, today I am so thankful for mama friends, even the few ones that I do have. I hope the trend of all of our play dates continues. Sometimes I just need to make myself call people and DO things.

the to-do list that never gets done

It seems like every day that I have off is jam packed with catching up on laundry, housework, grocery shopping, trying to spend quality time with Presley....yada yada yada. I feel like I have no time for fun "me" things, relaxing, or even my own personal to do list. Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and this is going to change! After all, a happy mama = a happy family, right? Maybe if I put what I want to do down in writing (well at least in a blog post!) then maybe I will be more motivated to do things cross them off! So here goes!

• overhaul the master bath- paint, redo the cabinets, find more artwork.
• finish the master bedroom- hang curtains, make a bible verse painting(s)
• get Presley's pictures finally printed and framed and hung in the living room
  
• make Presley's bag (I need to know how to sew first....any takers on teaching me?)
• get the monogramming thing going
• get Presley's closet organized
  
• hem the living room curtains
• OAMC with my mom! *this date has been set- 9/25* yay!!

So most of these things are house related, but oh well! It's a little sad that we have lived here for 3 years and don't have majority of the house decorated! I'm working on it slowly but surely!

Not really a goodbye

My friend Jessica is moving to Virginia. :( I am really happy for her and her hubby. But I'm not going to lie, I'm super sad for myself. Not that I see her every week but, losing the possibility of seeing her each week...stinks. We met in nursing school and when you endure something that insane, well, it kinda bonds you! Jessica is honestly one of the sweetest people I've ever met in my life. She would do anything for you and she is as beautiful inside as she is out. She hosted my first baby shower and is just such a special friend. I'm going to miss her! She came over tonight and we went to dinner (girls night out! yay!) and then we came back to my house and played with Presley for a bit. We took a picture together and when I uploaded it to the computer I started looking at old pictures of us. So I decided to post some. Hope she doesn't mind....what am I talking about she's gorgeous in every one, so she better not mind! ;)

This was the only way we could get Presley to cooperate...with a book in her hand!

Presley looks like she has a toupee on! Ha ha!

Baby shower! Wow...crazy swolleness of pregnancy!

At a friend's wedding right after we graduated. Not sure if we were so happy for our friend or to be done with nursing school! Probably BOTH! ;)

Us rocking out in beautiful DC.

Thank you Jessica for being such a great friend to me AND my family! I know it's not "goodbye", but a "see ya soon". Good luck, miss you and love ya girl!

Between Us Moms

I read an article recently that discussed mothers who work outside the home and mothers who stay at home with their children. I wish I could remember which article and which magazine it was from! (my brain is still reeling from pregnancy with Presley brain!) Anyway, the article discussed the pitfalls of each choice. (I hate when the word "choice" is used. some moms HAVE to go back to work after baby in order to live....stepping off soapbox now.) It was a really interesting read because most of the time you are either on one side or the other, meaning you are working or staying at home. It's hard to see the other viewpoint when you aren't living it directly.

But, it got me thinking. I know just in my personal experience I absolutely had to return to work. It wasn't a matter of just being able to afford little extra vacations and such. It was a matter of we wouldn't be living in a house, driving 2 cars, etc. I wished, super hard, that I could somehow be able to live my dream of staying at home so I could raise my babies, cook nutritious meals from scratch and have my house be spotless. Ha ha! How funny is that? I quickly realized in the 12 weeks I was on maternity leave that that (most of the time) isn't the life of a stay at home mom and it isn't so easy. I felt like I never got a break and the only mommy-mommy interaction I got was from a 2 hour get together that met twice a month. Granted I know that my experience was only 12 weeks, but I think I got a pretty good taste for it. I would still love to be able to be with Presley 24/7, but I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that staying home isn't in the cards right now for me, maybe it won't ever be. I'm extremely blessed to work 3 nights a week (although night shift is killing me....literally I'm a zombie.) and have 4 days off with Presley where I DO get to play the role of staying home mommy.

I know that some stay at home moms do have wealthy husbands, thus not worrying about money. And I also know that some stay at home moms pinch penneys and clip coupons to be able to do so. And you know what, I admire EACH of them! I can't imagine being in either person's shoes, because well, I'm not. We as a human race have an awful habit of judging others as if we know what is going on. Well, we don't because even if you can be lumped into the same category as another person, you are not them. You do not know what they face every morning when they get up and what they go through in a day. My hat is off to all of the stay at home moms and work from home moms......you gals rock! =)

It's so easy to say that working moms have it made- you get the career and the kids. And it's so easy to say that stay at home moms have it made- you get to be with your kids...at home.

But you know what the awesome thing about motherhood is...
there is no one right way to do it!

your child will love you no matter what.

First Mother's Day

Have you ever had something planned in your mind....so perfectly....that when it happens it can't possibly live up to the expectation that was created? Well, this happens to me more than I would care to admit. It's not anyone's fault but my own. I have always, since the beginning of my memories, played out days, events, situations in my mind and I expect them to go a certain way. And when they don't, I get disappointed. *I know what you're thinking...but bear with me.* It's my own fault. Have I not learned in 25 years of living that NOTHING goes according to plan, especially made-up things in my own head!

My "first" Mother's Day was not full of the pampering and things I had desperately wanted. Although I got a card from my husband, I expected a sentimental gift. You know a keepsake piece of jewelry, a tree or plant that we could watch grow over the years, a handmade something from Presley, etc. My husband said he didn't know that he was supposed to get me anything. I guess because I'm not his mother! But I was super disappointed. Anyway, I'm sure this sounds completely selfish and materialistic to most of you. And you're right, it is. But I'm laying it all on the line and being completely honest.

So after crying about it and wallowing in my emotions for long enough, I decided to make the end of my first Mother's Day the best it could be. I looked at some precious pictures of Presley, read a blog about a Mom who just lost her baby 2 weeks ago (boy that made me feel like crap for being selfish) and made a gratitude list. I know how incredibly blessed I am to have healthy, beautiful daughter. I see critically ill children every week at my job (some of which never recover) so, I know how bad things could really be. And in the end, none of this stuff matters...not even that Presley and I didn't get a picture together to commemorate the day. So that's it......I'm done. Being a mommy has been the most incredible experience of my life. I should feel like everyday is my Mother's Day!

Oh, and I think I'll buy myself a keepsake piece of jewelry....but it'll be from Presley of course! ;)

Motherhood is not for sissies

My mom gave me this book the month that Presley was born. Little did I know then how true these sayings actually are! Here are a few of my favorites!

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job. - Roseanne

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. - Ed Asner

Never tell a child anything you wouldn't want the whole neighborhood to know.

Cleaning the house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying. - Fran Lebowitz

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. - Sam Levenson

When all else fails, PRAY.

To my sweet angel,

There have been a lot of things going on in our lives that have made me think about what type of mother that I want to be for you. I don't know if I could ever describe in words what you mean to me Presley. You probably will not understand the deep, unconditional, immeasurable love that I have for you...until you have children of your own. I know I am not perfect and there will probably be many things that we disagree on. But please know that every single day, there is not a breath that I don't take for you. Every second of the day, you are in my thoughts and in my heart. And I will always try to do the very best that I can for you. I promise to always comfort and protect you. I will always have your best interest at heart when making decisions for you. You are a precious gift that God entrusted me and your daddy to take care of, and we do not take that responsibility lightly. I pray that you can remember when life is unfair and unjust, just how incredible you are. You are so beautiful and you have been my greatest reward. I love you more than I could have ever imagined.

Mommy

We extended Christmas!

I was going to title this post "Santa came a day late". But I'm trying to be optimistic here, so it was changed. It just really hasn't felt like the joyous time of year it's supposed to be. Don't get me wrong...I know that Christmas is NOT about gifts, decorations and food. But it is about family and loving and togetherness. Not to mention the REAL reason for CHRISTmas....the birth of our Savior!

But even with me knowing all of that I can't help but be somewhat sad. My dad and brother were not able to be with us this Christmas and it felt like a huge empty void was there all day. Christmas Eve was my third night working, so I was exhausted on Christmas day and slept WAY too long....until 5 pm. I had wanted to get up earlier so I could help cook and get ready for everything. So since I slept too much, that pushed back eating and opening presents at my parents' house, THUS making it too late to come back home and do presents at our house and see what Santa left for Presley. Oh, not to mention that Presley was getting sick. She had a fever, was really fussy and wouldn't eat. I just felt like crying on Christmas night...so I did! I know that Presley won't remember any of this or even care....but I do and I just wanted it to be special.

So, Santa DID come a day late and drop of presents for Presley. We stayed dressed in PJ's to open our gifts, because that's what we would have done on Christmas. She loved all of her gifts, but the seahorse was her favorite. And she had a blast at bath time tonight with her new things!

Here is what Santa left for Presley

In case you can't see what it all is:
exersaucer, duck bath tub, bath toys, musical seahorse,
books, flower pacifier clip, and clothes.

absolutely new

"The moment a child is born,
the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new."

I found this just a few minutes ago and it's funny because I've been thinking a lot about this lately and it's EXACTLY how I feel. I'm a completely new person since my precious daughter has walked into my life. I had always heard the cliche about not knowing until you become a mother. And it is SO true! Even when I was pregnant, I knew I loved my child, BUT now... when I think about not being able to see her, hold her, love her....I can't breathe.

Everything is different! Life has an all new meaning and purpose! Being a mother is honestly the most hard work I have ever done! But it is also the most rewarded I've ever felt in my life! I am so blessed that God has allowed me to be a mommy! And I thank Him everyday for my sweet baby girl!

I'm struggling with the fact that I have to go back to work in a week and a half. I know how blessed I am that my job only requires me to be away from her for 3 days...but I'm selfish and I don't want to be away from her at ALL! So, please if you will, PRAY for me about this...I will not be able to do it without God's help.

Tomorrow...you're only a day away!

Tomorrow we go to the ultrasound school and get to see Sweet Pea! They will be able to take little video clips of the ultrasound. Hopefully I'll be able to post them tomorrow night. I just love seeing him/her! I've kind of missed seeing Sweet Pea each week by ultrasound at the high risk OB office. Okay I admit, I've more than "kind of" missed it, I've REALLY missed it! It was very comforting to be able to see inside my belly and KNOW that everything was okay in there. Granted I can feel him/her move 10 times more now, I still would love to be able to peek in and just make sure.

Recently I've had this great fear about not being able to tell that Sweet Pea is in distress and missing it and s/he dying. I know it's a morbid thought and every mother-to-be probably feels that way, but I would just feel so incredibly guilty if something happened inside of my own body and I couldn't pick up on the warning signals. I even had a dream last night so vivid I woke up swearing it was true. I sat straight up in bed at 3 am, crying hysterically. Of course Jeremiah woke up too! In my dream I was also crying hysterically that my baby was dead and it was completely my fault that I didn't feel it and people around me were like "yeah, your baby is dead and it's okay". It was and is most certainly not okay!

Again I'll say that I never thought I could love someone so much and I haven't even met them yet. And the thought of our sweet baby dying before s/he has a chance at life is almost more than I can bear. But nothing is in my control and whatever God's will is, He has my best interest in mind. Whatever that may be. So...

I'll take just one day at a time and deal with what comes with HIS help.

Sorry to be so gloomy at the end! It's just what's been on my mind lately.