Tomorrow...you're only a day away!

Tomorrow we go to the ultrasound school and get to see Sweet Pea! They will be able to take little video clips of the ultrasound. Hopefully I'll be able to post them tomorrow night. I just love seeing him/her! I've kind of missed seeing Sweet Pea each week by ultrasound at the high risk OB office. Okay I admit, I've more than "kind of" missed it, I've REALLY missed it! It was very comforting to be able to see inside my belly and KNOW that everything was okay in there. Granted I can feel him/her move 10 times more now, I still would love to be able to peek in and just make sure.

Recently I've had this great fear about not being able to tell that Sweet Pea is in distress and missing it and s/he dying. I know it's a morbid thought and every mother-to-be probably feels that way, but I would just feel so incredibly guilty if something happened inside of my own body and I couldn't pick up on the warning signals. I even had a dream last night so vivid I woke up swearing it was true. I sat straight up in bed at 3 am, crying hysterically. Of course Jeremiah woke up too! In my dream I was also crying hysterically that my baby was dead and it was completely my fault that I didn't feel it and people around me were like "yeah, your baby is dead and it's okay". It was and is most certainly not okay!

Again I'll say that I never thought I could love someone so much and I haven't even met them yet. And the thought of our sweet baby dying before s/he has a chance at life is almost more than I can bear. But nothing is in my control and whatever God's will is, He has my best interest in mind. Whatever that may be. So...

I'll take just one day at a time and deal with what comes with HIS help.

Sorry to be so gloomy at the end! It's just what's been on my mind lately.